There are some things your momma forgot to tell you about aging. Consider this your warning: blog entry contains TMI. If you don’t want to know, don’t read any further. I feel compelled to list some wacky things that ladies just don’t talk about, even to each other. Buckle up girls, this isn’t pretty!
1. The carpet starts turning colors and not matching the drapes, if you know what I mean. I personally prefer hardwood floors but I get lazy and let it grow out just a little every now and then ( I TOLD you this would contain TMI!). Several years ago while in my mid 30’s I happened to look down while in the bathroom and spotted a gray pub! That’s right girls, you read that right. It never dawned on me that this could/would happen. NEVER! I asked my older sister and mom if they had a “silver fox” (as my hubby affectionately calls it now) and they just howled with laughter. They would never say but I took that as an admission. I asked my gynecologist if this meant my eggs were old and dried up now. He answered “no”, but I have a feeling he had never been asked that question before. All those years in medical school and practice did not prepare him for me. I like to know these things! At least he was able to hold his laughter in.
2. You sprout hairs in weird places. About a year ago I happened to put my hand on my neck and felt one lone, long hair! Ugh! How gross! I quickly pulled that sucker out with my fingers and it has only reappeared one other time. It has been several months since the last “incident”, so I am hoping to never see that again. Another weird place is on the chin, left side. Unfortunately this one appears every couple of months. Needless to say, tweezers are my friend.
3. It dawned on me just this morning that the creak I have been hearing when I walk down my stairs is not the stairs. It is my freaking knees! Any time I bend down then back up the knees pop. We are talking fun stuff here!
4. Sudden, explosive urges to potty when I am at my most happiest. Yes girls, shopping! Hubby says it “relaxes” me. It hits me so hard, that I have to stand very still and not move an inch and hope and pray that I do not poop myself on the spot. Now when someone is shopping beside you and you are hanging on to the shopping cart with white knuckles and you KNOW they are politely waiting for you to move out of the way so that they can get to that item you are in front of …… that is pressure folks! I have even made it a point to do the duty at home prior to shopping and guess what? It still freaking happens! Good stuff here. (NOT)
5. Oh, can’t forget the sneezes that make your pee shoot out like it is in a pressure cooker. Fun times with this one!
6. And another fun shopping phenomena. Drum roll please…… HOT FLASHES! There is nothing like having a hot flash as you are checking out and it is 20 degrees outside and you have sweat beads on your forehead. I am bringing sexy back!
7. Can’t forget the dark spots that appeared overnight on my legs and hands. I asked the dermatologist about one specifically on my leg and she told me it is a barnacle. BARNACLE? Now I have gone from Silver Fox to Sponge Bob Square Pants! Look up barnacle in the dictionary and the definition is “any of numerous marine crustaceans with feathery appendages for gathering food that are free-swimming as larvae but permanently fixed (as to rocks, boat hulls, or whales) as adults.” How much freaking worse can this get?
8. Here is one that has not happened to me yet but to my mother. Growing a mustache. Okay, not a real mustache, but the fuzz on your top lips gets a little dark cast on it. Actually, I was unfortunate enough to get my complexion and hair tendencies from my dad. I did have a “mustache” when I hit puberty and have since had it lasered off. That hurt like a son of a gun but it beats the hell out of waxing! Mom’s doctor said it was “hormones”. Great. I endured waxing for years to feel “normal”, got zapped by laser beam to permanently get rid of it and now it is going to freaking come back? Take me to the circus folks! I will sit beside the bearded lady!
9. The skin tags! Can’t forget the skin tags! If you are fortunate to not know what these are, they look like small little white moles. Usually appear on your neck or around your bra line. The really teeny ones you can pull off with minimal bleeding and pain. I have someone in my corner on this one. My (much) younger sister is about to graduate medical school. She tends to carry lidocaine (for numbing) and sharp razor things to “operate” on willing guinea pigs/test subjects, i.e. her family!
10. Last but not least, the dry heels and elbows. They look like the freaking Sahara Desert and take an industrial strength Black and Decker sander and eye protection to get the top layer off. Doesn’t get much better than this folks!
This all being said, the hot 25 year old stuck in this 44 year old body tends to get frustrated at times. I let her write this entry as a way to humor her and hopefully get out of her rut. It is hell to look so good on the inside (hey, it is my fantasy….just humor me and go along with it) and then be shocked every time you look into the mirror and wonder “when the hell did THIS happen?”.
A little lagniappe (French word for a little extra gift):
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. **
** lifted this from an email that was sent to me today. Wish I could take credit for writing it!